R to S
by Keiyblade
Summary: Riku has always been in love with Sora, and that has always, always been the problem. The entire journey thus far told from Riku's perspective in the canon universe- meaning incredibly slow burn, but eventual romance. Mostly Riku angsting over one thing or another.


A/N: Hey~! Alright, so this is my first fic EVER, but I have always been on the Soriku ship. Honestly, "if this ship goes down I'm sinking with it", "Like lil pump before me, I dropped outta school to save the Soriku game" type stuff. I put A LOT of time into this because I wanted to stick to canon as much as possible, to challenge myself in really understanding Riku and the Soriku dynamic (and why Riku was absolute shit in KHI), but to also prove SoRiku, with a little reading between the lines, is blatantly cannon. Which, we know it is. Just sayin'. Thank you for taking the time to check out my story and I hope you enjoy it!

(Side notes: The title and cover are directly from Ichimura Hitoshi- an inspiration and goddess, literally- and some of the flashback is inspired by her doujinshins as well, which you should check out if you haven't already. Of course I don't own Kingdom Hearts or the characters, but y'all already knew that.)

He doesn't remember meeting Sora.

It's more like, Sora's always been there, tugging on his arm, wide, toothy grin on and spiky tufts of hair sticking up wildly, giggling like a maniac.

Sora's always been there, before school, before they discovered the island, or anything else, so he can't think back to what his _first first_ impression might've been.

However, he remembers when he realized that Sora was special.

Riku was a year older than him, so it was his job to make sure that they didn't get into too much trouble, didn't lose money for ice cream given by their parents, and of course, always had super cool adventures to go on.

Sora was always tagging along for the ride, and when he couldn't because his mom had him doing chores, Riku would be over to either help or sneak him out himself. Sora and he were joined at the hip, partners in crime, best friends and completely inseparable, so the day that Sora decided he would 'run away' from home, it was only natural that Riku was there right beside him.

He remembers Sora's runny red nose as clearly as if it were yesterday. Sora, five years old and with an overstuffed backpack on him, completely unable to make out a sentence without wiping his eyes and stopping to choke on his tears or stutter incoherently halfway through his train of thought.

"R-Riku…!"

Riku had been reading a book about space earlier, and absently thought Sora's tears would've looked like stars if they weren't so grossly mixed with his snot.

"R-Riku!"  
Sora had engulfed him in a hug and began blowing his nose on Riku's shirt. Riku knew Sora didn't have cooties anyway, so while it was kind of gross, at least it wasn't green and he didn't mind too much.

"Sora, you're messing up my shirt. What's wrong?"

After babbling sounds and syllables Riku didn't understand, Sora finally got around to it.

"My mom! I can't tell you—but she—I—I can't stay home anymore!"

Riku was the type to not pester his friend when Sora was extremely emotional. It would only push him further into hysterics and Riku did not want an uncooperative Sora on his hands.

He hugged his friend back, struggling to wrap his arms around the giant backpack as well.

"So—I'm sorry! I wanted to say goodbye!"

"Nope. No goodbyes. I'm coming with you."

He'll always remember the way Sora's head popped up out of the embrace and suddenly the rain stopped. There was nothing but Sora's oceanic eyes holding him completely in their sights, looking at him as if he were the sun, moon and stars.

And then came that goofy grin.

"This is gonna be so fun!"

Just like that, Sora's mood could change. Riku had thought that it was funny that his friend was so weird, but it made him feel fuzzy that he could make Sora happy so easily.

Riku had ducked back into his house, an easy feat since no one was there usually, and packed his own bag quickly. Moments later, he and Sora were walking down the road as if they were taking a trip to the beach rather than running away. Riku wasn't sure how far Sora would actually go with this plan until he changed his mind, but he would see it through until the end. Sora would get in all types of trouble without him anyway. Like, the first week of Kindergarten, he was sent home because he got sick from eating Playdoh. Riku had forgotten to tell him that some slime and goo was just not safe to eat. So naturally, Riku had to make sure that Sora was watched out for because he'd probably end up, like stranded ontop of a building or something, if he weren't there with him.

Minutes later, they'd realized they'd only walked to the end of the Island's East Coast.

Riku, for once, was out of ideas. But Sora jumped down onto the sand and walked over to the small rowboat that Riku's aunt had bought for him last Christmas. He pat the wood and smiled up at his friend.

"Let's go find a new home, Riku! We'll be sailors and search the seas!"

Sora had cupped his hands and made a telescope over his eye and pretended to scan the waters.

"Sora, I've only used it once, I don't think I know how to—"

"That's silly talk, Riku! Of course you know how to sail! You're _Riku_. You can do _everything_."

He was used to Sora constantly ogling over him whenever he taught the younger boy something new, but it made him blush to get such credit.

Riku chuckled and got in the boat with the other. In retrospect, it was a damn good thing that his aunt had already left him a bag with a map, compass, and a few other essentials for rowing around, but there wasn't really a good reason for giving a kid that young his own boat.

Maybe it catapulted him into early independence, which again, in retrospect was a damn good thing and a damn not so good thing as well.

Either way, the two boys set off without much complication, Sora deciding to grace Riku's ears and the passing seagulls with a song he had composed himself about rowing, made for this special occasion where he mostly sung and made Riku do the actual rowing.

"I'm lookout!" He'd protested with a pout. "I'm going to tell you if I see any land and then yell—" he stood up briefly, mimicking some pose he must've seen in a pirate picture book. "Debby off the portbow!"

He'd plopped down laughing, and Sora's humor was downright contagious. Eventually, Riku had started making his own additions to Sora's sea voyaging song, and they'd even managed to get some type of chorus down.

Sora wasn't even nervous when he announced that he couldn't see the mainland anymore, but the boys were hardly ever scared when they were adventuring. By extreme luck, no more than ten minutes later, Sora had boomed in his pirate voice that he saw land and Riku should go 'One o'clock PM due south' towards the new territory.

Riku knew that Sora knew that he had no idea what he meant, but Riku responded with an 'aye aye captain', and the new land became bigger and bigger as they sailed closer.

Sora had jumped out the boat as soon as they touched the sand and Riku observed their surroundings as Sora ran around happily in the sunset. He became even more energetic when fireflies began to spark, and tried to catch some to no avail.

Riku remembers knowing that the island wasn't 'undiscovered', since there was a dock and a shack already visible the second they'd landed. But, Sora didn't seem to care either way.

"I claim this as Sora Riku land."

"Hear ye, hear ye." Riku echoed in the back as he tied the rowboat to the dock.

"Riku, let's explore!" And as if on cue, Sora's stomach grumbled. "….After dinner. I ate most of my snacks on the way. Do you have anything?"

Riku rolled his eyes.

"So now you're gonna eat up all my snacks, Sora?"

"Sharing is caring!"

"I have two bags of chips."

"I could eat three. Riku! Who doesn't pack enough food for running away!"

"I didn't think we'd be out here this long."  
Riku grinned at Sora and Sora guffawed at him before laughing.

"We gotta find food! Fruits and stuff will be okay until we can buy icecream. I brought a lot of money with me."

"How much?" Riku asked as the two boys began walking up a wooden incline.

"$20!"

Riku had brought ten with him, but he honestly hoped Sora would give this whole thing up in like a day. The island itself was nice though. It was big and forested. He mapped out courses for he and Sora to race on when they were done with the whole 'running away' thing.

Sora shook Riku's arm, like he always did when he was excited—as if he were trying to unhinge the thing and throw Riku to the ground.

"Look! Look! Do you see that up there!"

But Sora was already gone before the silver haired boy had time to process just what he was supposed to be looking at.

He followed behind Sora at a slower pace as his friend climbed up a bit to knock down a fruit from a tree.

"Whoaaa!" Sora marveled. "Riku! Look!"

Riku caught up to him and observed the star-shaped fruit in his hands.

"Wow. I've only seen these on TV."

"I've never seen 'em. What are they?"

"You really have never…? These are Paopu fruit, Sora."

Sora got that wide-eyed 'Riku is the best for knowing so much' look in his eye again and regarded the older boy as if he were a sage.

"Paopu?"

"Apparently, if you share it with someone, you are bound to them forever."

Sora cocked his head.

"What does that mean?"  
Riku shrugged, trying to recall what his mom had told him.

"Something about your 'destiny' and your lives being connected forever."

Sora still was staring like he didn't get it. Riku sighed.

"If you share it with someone, you'll be together with them for the rest of your life."  
"Ohhh."

Riku looked up. "But there's more, so it shouldn't be a problem if we each get our own—"

"No!"

Sora's sudden exclamation startled Riku, along with the determined frown his friend was steeling him with.

"I want to have cool adventures with you forever and ever Riku, until we're old and in wheelchairs, and still we'll like attach rockets to them and fly around!"

Riku was a little put off by Sora's sudden enthusiasm, but humored as always.

"No! Don't laugh! Come on, come on, let's share this poo-pu fruit or whatever!"

"Sora, we don't have to. I'll have adventures with you any way."

"No! We have to! Cause what if, what if one day you forget?"

Sora had paused, his fists clenched, waiting for some type of response.

He stared at Riku unrelentingly, blue eyes almost popping out of his head.

"I could never forget about you Sora." Riku assured him. "Especially since you gave me the flu that one time."

Sora's brow only furrowed deeper.

"I hope you wouldn't. That too. But that's not what I mean. What if you forget about the paopu fruit one day and then end up sharing it with somebody else? I bet they wouldn't even have cool adventures with you, Riku!"

Riku sensed that Sora was actually pretty serious, so he sighed.

"Alright, alright."

Sora grinned.

"So we'll share the first one and then gets lots lots more, cause I'm hungry! Now, how do we do this? What if it's gross?"

"Wanna bite into it at the same time?"

"Yuh-huh!" Sora nodded his head enthusiastically.

Both boys bit into the fruit after Riku issued a brief countdown.

The paopu was tangy and sweet at the same time, a bit harder on the outside, but juicy and flavorful in the middle.

"It's better than mangoes." Riku absently had said.

Sora grinned as he chewed.

"Ha ha! Now you're stuck with me forever, Riku and there's nothing you can do about it!"

Riku watched Sora's nostrils flare proudly as he munched into the Paopu again, spikes of brown hair bobbing as his blue eyes radiated fiercely against the now darkening sky.

He was alright with the idea.

These were the times when he could tell him that.

"That's okay, Sora. If I had to be stuck with someone forever, I'd want it to be you."

Sora practically radiated back at him.

"Mhmm! Same here! Riku is my favorite person!"

The boys heartily ate the fruit and laughed, telling jokes about shows and school and impersonating their favorite characters. They wound up catching fireflies during twilight and making a competition out of it before finally settling down enough to pull out the blankets they'd packed and lay them out to stargaze.

Sora had asked Riku if he'd brought along his space book, and Riku had told him no, but pointed out the constellations he could remember. This by far, was always one of Sora's favorite topics to hear about, mainly because he thought Riku had really been to outer space. Riku hadn't ruined that illusion for him, but he'd heard about a kid from the islands that had done so, and Sora wouldn't want to hear about it if that kid wasn't night, he ended up making out the big dipper and the little dipper and told Sora that stars were basically big hot balls of gas.

"Like a fart?" Sora had inquired.

"No. Like, gas. Like air, and steam, and other stuff, but not farts. Though farts are gas too."

"Whoa. You know so much Riku. You know like, practically everything."

Riku laughed and they had lulled into another silence before Sora spoke again.

"But that doesn't sound magical. I think stars are made of something else?"

Riku sat up and looked over at him.

"Like what?"

Sora shrugged.

"I don't know."

Riku thought briefly about it.

"Well. Your tears look like stars sometimes."

Sora touched his eyeball.

"Really? Maybe stars are made from tears."

"That's kind of sad, don't you think?"

"Naah." Sora smiled at Riku. "Maybe they're made from happy tears. That's why they're so bright."

Sora grinned, content with his conclusion, and Riku smiled too.

"I like that better."

Sora 'mhmm'ed and beamed at Riku again.

"I'm glad you ran away with me Riku. You're the best."

Riku shrugged and looked back up at the stars.

"It wouldn't be fun without you anyway."

"Yep. I'd miss our races. I'm faster than Tidus anyway, so you'd probably have no one to race, would you?"

"I don't know why you're bringing up races anyway." Riku grinned impishly at his friend. "I always beat you anyway."

Sora waved his hand, imitating something he often saw adults doing.

"Well, that's just luck. Let's race in the morning, _aaaalllll_ around the island. I'll win for sure."

Riku had rolled his eyes and muttered an 'okay Sora' before the two started making up stories of what they'd do and find on their new land in the morning.

Even then, Riku hadn't known Sora was _special special_.

He didn't figure that out until a few hours later when Sora woke him up, crying and shaking him awake to finally tell Riku that he'd had to run away because his mother had said 'kids who didn't finish their broccoli couldn't stay in the house'.

Riku remembers how completely dumbfounded he'd been. He'd stared at Sora and didn't even think to laugh since the boy looked so…devastated. It would've been funny if Sora wasn't crying, and Riku hated to see Sora cry because it either made him angry at the world or want to cry with him.

Riku ended up comforting Sora and told him that he would help him talk to his mom about moving back in the house—and they could always come back to the island to race and explore (instead of living there) if Sora shook hands on it.

Which he did, after Riku promised he'd buy him ice cream too. And let him borrow his power-rangers, and promosed that Sora could come over to live with him if he ever got kicked out or wanted to run away again.

It was only when Sora went back to sleep, finally happy with his end of the bargain that Riku realized that seeing Sora cry was absolutely painful to go through.

That was when Riku realized he would do anything to keep Sora happy.

Absolutely anything to keep him smiling like an idiot without a care in the world.

Which of course, was a lot to uphold when the world was always spinning and throwing problems their way.

Including when Sora's parents divorced and Riku made good on his offer to let his friend sleepover until he felt okay enough to go back home, and even then practically made Riku a live in guest when he didn't want to be alone with his mother. Including when playground bullies wouldn't leave Sora alone and Riku got a bloody nose and a referral for handling it, including when Sora's mom didn't have enough to get Sora the lego set that he wanted, and Riku did neighborhood laundry to get it for his birthday. Including every other moment of the other's life when Sora had a problem, Riku was there.

But, in retrospect again, those were all simple things.

Like giving Sora extra toothfairy money or extra homework help, teaching him how to tie different kinds of knots or ways to run faster and sword fight; small favors that weren't impossible to deliver.

It got harder as they got older, of course.

Riku couldn't save Sora from a broken family. He could only be there to fill in the gaps. He couldn't stop him from growing older and living in such a competitive world outside of their friendly teasing when school wasn't going as well as it could have for his friend.

Riku couldn't even save himself.

He realized that to fight the weight of the world for them both, he'd have to get stronger.

He'd have to push himself harder to gain that strength, and he remembers, with slight disappointment, having this insight when he was only nine. He probably shouldn't of been so hard on himself in retrospect, but that was when his parents were around more and stricter about what he should and shouldn't be doing—and weren't very fond of his association with Sora. It was probably because he was supposed to either inherit his dad's business or be a doctor like his mother that Riku already knew he was helpless against nearly everything.

And he hated it. Being a helpless child never ever suited him. Even when his parents started going out more, coming home less, he went with their decisions. Even when he was still actively by Sora, he couldn't always stop him from getting hurt.

It often left him picking up the pieces.

How much better, he'd thought, to be able to stop things from breaking before they ever shattered.

To stop it all before it ever hurt.

From a young age, he knew the islands were small and there was more out there.

At his parent's urging, he'd been reading books, and somewhere, someone told him that they'd been to other worlds, and somewhere he'd heard that a kid really did escape the islands and Riku bet that he was all the better for it.

He'd bet the kid who escaped never worried about anything because he had the power to shape his own future for himself.

He'd bet that kid was strong enough to stand up against anything.

That's originally why he wanted to leave.

Real strength was out there and he needed it. To protect the things that really mattered. To protect his friends. To protect Sora.

To him, Sora was the very essence of the sky he breathed in.

Sora could hold the horizon in his eyes and all of the constellations Riku had searched for in his smile.

How simple that one boy could do that.

He'd make sure he was happy no matter what. Riku would make sure of it.

That included when they met Kairi.

Riku remembers that day as clearly as if it's happening in front of him now, because he's never felt his heart try to fight his stomach over dominance for which would hop into his throat first.

Sora and Riku had friends outside of each other, friends that they had ended up introducing their play island to (after Tidus wouldn't stop whining about it), and it wasn't like Sora didn't have any girl friends, but it didn't matter to Riku because he already knew that Sora and he were practically brothers. Best friends; completely irreplaceable.

Which is why it struck him so odd that this was different from so many other first encounters with new friends.

Riku knew that on the first day Kairi was introduced to them as the mayor's adopted daughter.

Or, more like, he'd never seen Sora's eyes get so wide and full of awe.

Not on any of the adventures Riku had taken him on, or any of the toys he's let him borrow, or any of the cool interesting facts that he would tell him, or any of the space stories he'd recite or made up about traveling to other worlds.

And he knows he can't blame Kairi for any of it. She was more vulnerable than anyone Riku had come across, with no memory of her home, or her family. Just that she had appeared during a meteor shower one night mysteriously. The only thing she remembered was her name.

Sora was being nice when he invited her to the play island with the rest of their friends, and deep down, Riku knew that.

But in the moment, he'd only tried his best to suppress a glower, half-heartedly agree with Sora's suggestions, and give a half assed tour to the new girl when Sora asked him to help show her the island.

It was petty of him and it was mean, but he didn't know what else to do. He'd never dealt with such a feeling and he wanted to claw it out of his chest as just be _normal_ again.

He knew things were changing when Sora suggested they show her 'The Secret Place'.

Not even Tidus, Wakka or Selphie, their closest friends for a number of years, had even been told about it. It was Riku and Sora's secret, and Riku was nowhere near ready enough to agree to that one for a girl they'd met only two weeks ago.

"Why don't you show her something else, since you know so much about the island, Sora?"

Riku remembered griping, but Sora had been too distracted to notice his tone or expression, and instead lead Kairi to the other side of the island where the zipline was.

Riku wished they'd fall if they got on it.

He went out to sulk by a palm tree, trying to stop his throat from clenching in on itself with a hot, unbridled power.

He remembers going into 'The Secret Place' alone to look around at the cave comics that Sora and he had drawn an issue of every other week for the past years, and the wooden door that never opened.

He remembers swearing that he heard a voice when they'd first discovered the place.

Which doesn't seem too crazy now, all things considering, but had really spooked him back then, enough to run back to the lopsided palm tree and stare at the horizon for a good ten minutes before Sora and Kairi came back and Sora asked if they could be rowed back to the mainland.

He remembers, weeks later, telling Sora that he should get his own boat and stop using his as a taxi.

He remembers that fall when Kairi and Sora were put into the same class and suddenly Sora didn't come over for homework help anymore.

He remembers, months later, the first time Sora canceled on their trip to the arcade to go to the island to collect sea shells with Kairi.

He remembers, years later, when Sora canceled again, and again, and eventually Riku was sitting in his living room, in the dark, watching old cartoons, not even smiling at scences he and Sora used to cry laughing to.

He remembers feeling suffocation in the house.

Not that anyone was usually there anyway. He was lucky to see his parents once every two weeks, especially since he was 'mature' enough to take care of himself, especially since one day he'd be a CEO , especially since he couldn't trash the family name, especially since sometimes, his parents were gone for so long, if it weren't for the giant ass portrait in the living room, he'd forget what they looked like.

He remembers the air being so heavy. He remembers feeling so bitterly alone.

There used to be Sora.

He missed Sora.

With every fiber and nerve of his being, Riku missed Sora showing up to his house unannounced, leaving his stuff on the floor as an excuse to come back, popping popcorn all the wrong kinds of ways and leaving the burnt smell stagnant in the air, grabbing Riku's arm and almost tearing it off any time something happened, begging for Riku to come up with bolder adventures, and Riku hyping up the fact that they'd be even bigger than the people in action movies, going on real journeys, not kid ones to the island and 'The Secret Place'.

He remembers when Sora specifically pointed out that they should be like Indiana Jones and made him watch 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' whenever Sora thought Riku needed inspiration for what they'd do next.

He hadn't even realized how much he missed Sora until he rubbed his eye and realized he was crying. Only, the tears didn't look like stars. They only looked like bitterness and loneliness and frigidity from the A/C that somehow was always stuck on sixty-eight degrees.

He remembers thinking that he was way too old to cry.

Sora didn't need him as much, and here he was anyway, completely by himself.

So be it.

If he was going to help himself, he would need to only rely on himself. He'd need to be stronger so he wouldn't have to cry. That way, there would be no tears when people didn't come back. That way, he wouldn't feel anything when Sora was wrapped around Kairi's arm instead of tugging on his—this way, he wouldn't hurt.

And Sora, Sora was still smiling. And it wasn't because of him. Sora didn't need him to smile, and Riku thought it was honest-to-god stupid that he was still hoping that he could somehow make a perfectly content boy more happy.

He remembers the first time he turned down Sora's invitation.

His mother, in one of her brief visits back to the islands, enrolled him in a kickboxing class. Riku found it more therapeutic to hit punching bags rather than force himself to be with Kairi and Sora every other day he wasn't with Tidus or Wakka out of Kairi's guilty principle of inclusion.

And the times he did go to the play island, when he wasn't being challenged by Tidus to test out his new fighting skills, all Riku did was stare out at the sky and think.

Because aside from an empty house, keeping grades up because of his parents, antipathy, disdain and taking it all out on a punching back that hurt his fists after ten minutes, there was absolutely nothing for him here.

Nothing but a future he didn't want, as suffocating as a suit and tie, the recollection of those space books he was obsessed with as a kid, and the thought of engineering a fucking rocket to get away from it all.

Or maybe he'd row out to sea and really run away like Sora and he tried to do all those years ago.

Kairi herself always found ways to end up talking to him. It wasn't like her presence particularly upset him, but that was hard to tell now, considering how permanent his scowl had gotten these days and how often his arms were crossed.

She didn't seem to be scared off. For whatever reason, she took it upon herself to approach him and just talk.

At first Riku didn't want to talk. But Kairi was a lot like Sora. She'd ramble on and on and ask questions to make sure you were actively thinking about the conversation. Everything from stuff she found on the island that would make good props for battle re-enactments of books they were required to read, to mutual people they both knew in school that had wild stories, to just some crazy things that Kairi herself had seen or gotten into—including sneaking onto a ice-cream truck and hiding on it for a whole ten minutes once.

Kairi herself was not that bad. They didn't form a bond the first time, or the second, but the third time the two of them had an encounter alone, Riku found himself laughing at her stories, and even telling her some of his own.

And it made him feel kind of stupid because he wasn't even really mad at her. She turned out to be a pretty cool girl that was also invested in the theory that other worlds existed. She had the same prefrences in food as him, and a lot of similar interests, and some of the same pet peeves that they found they could rave about for a straight hour together.

He liked Kairi.

He hadn't just talked to someone about something not _sports or fighting or school or homework or tests_ in a long time.

What was interesting that it was Kairi that invited both Sora and Riku to hang out with her at the Fall Harvest festival before Sora and Riku made plans to even hang out with each other.

Riku had no doubt that Kairi was intuitive; they'd exchanged numbers and even through text Kairi was able to read him pretty well. She was concerned that Riku wasn't socializing as much as he should be—and no, she didn't say it, but she sensed something had been up between Riku and Sora, even though she had no idea how close they used to be.

The gathering went surprisingly well. Sora wasn't wearing that wide-eyed look around Kairi that he usually got. Riku wasn't stupid; he definitely knew that Sora liked Kairi, and Kairi liked Sora—but maybe it was because that he'd gotten to know Kairi a bit more that he felt a bit better about possibly being the third wheel. It was probably because Sora had a tendency to ignore him when Kairi was around, but maybe because they hadn't spoken in so long, Sora seemed happy to see Riku. If him jumping on his back and yelling how he shouldn't be a stranger was any indication to go by. It wasn't anything close to what they usually were like, but that was what growing up was, Riku supposed. Sora was friendly and outgoing and it was natural that he would have friends. The three of them lit sparklers together and Riku actually felt like smiling when Kairi dared him to carve a pumpkin that looked as goofy as Sora. He had fun. The house didn't feel as cold as it usually was when he got back home.

It was surprisingly refreshing.

So he tried to make a habit out of taking Kairi's advice, and soon, the three of them began hanging out more and more, down to twice a week, three times a week, or just whenever.

He didn't feel at odds with the dynamic anymore.

It was a good change, a good pacing.

He could smile easily around Kairi, who was downright hilarious at times, and Sora was his goofy self as if they hadn't drifted apart—and Riku thought maybe it was all in his head.

For a while, everything was okay.

Eventually, Sora decided that the three of them should hang out again. He said they should have a scavenger hunt on the play island—an old sport Riku and he invented—and Riku, probably since things had been calm for a while, didn't feel anything swelling up in his throat when he agreed to it.

He'd arrived early to see if he could scout out things and guess what Sora had typed up for them to find, but he stopped briefly and found himself gravitating towards 'The Secret Place'.

He remembers when he and Sora first discovered it. Sung loudly to get their voices to reverberate off the cave walls, and tried to throw rocks at the undentable door to get it to open.

He remembers Sora's nails completely embedded in his arm as he made Riku go first down the path.

Sora was scared that leprechauns were in there for some reason. To this day, Riku still has no idea why.

He traced his palm down the cave walls, smiling when he saw the comics they'd drawn were still there, even though it'd been years since they'd last been down here together.

He was hit by nostalgia when he saw Sora's old drawings and shitty handwriting. Maybe he'd remind Sora of 'The Chronicles of Palm Tree Girl and Coconut Man' when he saw him.

He bit his lip. He didn't want to let it go. He remembered how happy he'd been during those times before his parents got onto him about schoolwork, about prepping his transcript, about forcing him to find a sport to join and honor societies to be a part of because it looked so good on paper, and every other day there was a call to see if he'd found any volunteer organizations, and how was his part time job, and never "how are you doing" and he used to tell Sora all this, but now it just manifested in bruised knuckles from punching bags.

He missed being able to tell Sora everything, and Sora making ridiculous childlike promises to do the fantastical for him. The look he'd get in his eyes when he was determined to help him or just hurting with Riku, or being so empathetic and sympathetic it was ridiculous.

He was getting a bit too sentimental for his liking. He'd begun chuckling at his thoughts and thinking back to those times.

Maybe, he'd try to be honest again.

There used to be a time when he didn't care what was 'mature' and what wasn't, because hanging out with Sora didn't really beg him to think about it when they were always having fun.

Maybe he'd just be straightforward. The feelings he got when Sora and Kairi hung out had already faded last time they were together. Maybe normalcy wasn't that far away. He was tired of forcing himself to do hobbies his parents wanted, more tired of having pointless conversations with boys on the blitzball team and girls that smiled way too much at him for it to not be odd. It would be nice to find a comfortable rhythm, meaningful conversations.

It would be nice to be happy.

He'd ran his palm over the smooth cave walls, but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw an unfamiliar sketch on the wall.

That was…Sora, judging by the spiky hair on the character, but the style itself wasn't how Sora drew. And the other one, next to it was…Kairi? Which resembled more of Sora's style, but a bit better, maybe more—

recent.

That feeling was growing in his stomach again.

And drawn across, to eachother's faces were…

Riku turned away and covered his face with a hand.

He was having a whole unwanted cave revelation and there was nothing he could do to stop the thoughts from flooding into his head.

Sora had taken Kairi down to their 'Secret Place' and that was a huge slap in the face. That was theirs and then he just went—with Kairi-and, then. There was the drawing. Of him giving her a _paopu_ _fruit_. He wondered if Sora also had forgotten that he already shared one with Riku, all those years ago. Which, maybe was the case, they were young when that happened—but _dammit—_

There was venom in his throat and it _burned_.

He didn't give a fuck about making up, or making friends—it was clear to him that spending the whole day doing things he disliked, being cordial with people he disliked, and hanging out with people from school having meaningless asinine conversations with shallow compliments and praise that he disliked was five hundred times better than this very moment, where he felt like he was ready to explode and take whoever was in the area down with him.

The only thing stopping him in that moment was that stubborn inkling of an impression that it was 'childish' to pitch a fit and voice his true unadulterated emotions. So Riku practically stomped out of the cave and onto the shore. He didn't even realize that Kairi and Sora were watching and calling out to him when he flew off the island in record time.

He'd stopped crying years ago.

All that was left was a vacancy in his chest when he realized that things could never go back to how they were. He was angrier at Sora than he was at Kairi for it all.

Kairi, at least, had the decency to ask him why he'd ditched when he saw her at school on the way to practice. He'd shrugged, given some bullshit excuse, and she didn't push it. But she'd given him a comforting hug all of a sudden—Riku could not remember the last time he'd gotten one. Probably from Sora, years ago, before everyone decided to kind of drift out of his life. The sudden foreign contact irked him to the point of wanting to push her off.

He only stopped when he saw Sora out of the corner of his eye, and he looked devastated.

Riku could piece two and two together simple enough. He watched Sora watch Kairi, wondering if what he was feeling now in this brief moment was even an inkling of what Riku felt in the cave.

There was hurt, but it wasn't enough. Not enough for Sora, who was completely dense, to catch onto just why Riku's lips curled into a crooked smile as a plan formed in his head.

He was sure that Kairi didn't like him, and he didn't like Kairi, but Sora didn't know that.  
So, Riku ruffled her hair and smiled gently at her, as she lifted her head in complete surprise and stared at him.

It was enough. Sora ducked his head and walked away quickly.

Riku thanked her for her concern and Kairi nodded before breaking away, though he wasn't sure what exactly any onlookers imagined was going on. Some of the girls had teased him about wanting a hug like that too, but Riku just plastered on a smile and waited till they finally stopped talking.

Kairi, however, despite this, remained firm on whatever plan she had to bridge the gap between Riku and Sora. The three of them began hanging out more and more frequently on the play island.

In retrospect, this wasn't a good idea. Sora probably felt obligated to go, and Riku showed up with the complete goal of irking Sora and making him jealous.

This worked marvelously since Kairi seemed to love watching her friends race and Riku had more practice with it from team sports. Their other friends liked to spar, and Riku was pretty good at that too. When they were younger, Riku taught Sora how to sword fight. He even went about making them wooden swords to practice with.

It was interesting to remember this, to say the least, since Sora began fancying starting battles with Riku out of the blue. It was to the point where Riku would be sitting on his usual palm tree and all of a sudden Sora would just appear, running at him.

It was weird and it wasn't like how they used to spar, but it was whatever, Riku supposed. Riku had begun keeping score of their wins and losses just to piss Sora off more.

And instead of it being good competition, it'd get downright cutthroat at times.

He didn't like the change, but he missed doing these kinds of things with Sora even more, so he'd prefer their twisted overly callous battles, races and teasing to absolutely nothing at all.

Some days, he wondered why he did it.

Especially days when he himself would cause shit to hit the fan.

His frustration at their drifting apart would get the best of him some days, and before he knew it, venom would rise from his throat and he'd spew it out at Sora.

It was only a split second of anger that it took—because Riku would calm himself down enough to look in Sora's face, the ocean in his eyes and lips twitching in a frown, and remember that this was the boy he promised he'd do _anything_ for.

What the hell was he doing? Could he still even call himself Sora's best friend?

And then there were days when he realized that Sora wasn't exactly setting the best example either.

One day when Sora ran up on Riku, screaming about "settling the score", _like always_ , he'd accidently knocked a Paopu down from a tree.

Riku had picked it up and observed the fruit—which elicited a snort from Sora.

"Geez, Riku, you're acting like you've never seen a Paopu before!"

Riku was a little stunned that Sora was so bothered by him just looking at the thing, but it wasn't like his goal nowdays was to _not_ annoy Sora.

Sora was always aggravated with him now.

The two couldn't have a conversation without it turning into bickering over who could do what better.

Riku shook his head and looked at the fruit.

"Yeah, whatever."

And truth be told, looking at the star shaped fruit always got him sentimental. It had him thinking back to a time when things were still okay and he didn't feel pissed off or apathetic towards everything.

It was still him against the world, but Sora was there too.

Those were the times when he honestly thought he didn't need anything else to be happy.

Sora scratched his head and lowered his gaze.

"So. Have you ever thought of sharing one with someone before?"

Riku's eyes snapped over to him.

He raised an eyebrow and Sora played with the tips of his brown spikes and looked off at the sky, musing.

"Someone once told me that it's supposed to bind your destiny with someone else."

Riku stared at him, dumbstruck.

He hoped that was a joke, but Sora frowned at his persistent stare.

"Well maybe you think it's stupid, but I think it's pretty cool."

Riku's mouth cracked into a smile.

"Ha. Haha."

Riku didn't know what else to do but laugh. It was dry and forced, and goddammit, his eyes weren't watering—why was he so upset—

"Instead of wondering about legends, maybe you should hit the books, or the gym." Riku brushed passed Sora and faked a grin. "I'm sure a certain redhead would be more willing to share one with you if you did."

"Hey!"

Riku was not going to turn around.

Sora had let go of his words anyway and stood there griping—so Riku went to his spot to think and stare at the horizon and wonder again just how the fuck he was going to get away from this, stuck between regret and anger, and a 'best friend' that could not remember shit to save his life.

He wanted to blast off into space and never look back at any of _this shit_ and just go somewhere where he could start over without being plagued by the people in his life or, rather, those that had disappeared out of it.

He's not sure how the idea of a raft came about.

It was sixty percent him, thirty nine Kairi, and he doesn't know if Sora can even be credited with such a big contribution of one percent.

Kairi and Riku had a thing for space and other forms of life—Riku was certain that Kairi was from a far away place and that was enough for him to believe.

If she made it here, somehow, they could make it out there.

He wouldn't have been so moved if it weren't for her. If not for Sora, either, but under completely different reasons.

Kairi suggested building a raft and Riku guessed they could give it a shot before he rented a boat or something and then never came back. He hadn't planned on taking anyone with him, but Kairi insisted, and then Sora was on board with the idea too.

If, once again, he can even call it that.

Because during material gathering, he most definitely found Sora on the beach, napping, and Kairi slacking off talking to him too.

It probably would've been better for him to just do it by himself, but once they reached wherever they were going, Riku didn't play to stay with them. Kairi had at least put in some work, so he couldn't complain too much about her, but he hadn't let go of his aggravation before hitting Sora with a:

"Typical. Slacking off and leaving me to do all the work. I wouldn't expect this from you, Kairi, but Sora." A condescending _tsk tsk_ and a shake of the head could get Sora riled up. "Come on. How are you ever planning to share a paopu with Kairi if you can't even keep your eyes open?"

Kairi had giggled and Sora had snapped for Riku to shut up and challenged him to about five duels and races that day alone.

Everyone on the island but Kairi outwardly stated several times that Riku was better than Sora in almost everything.

That meant absolutely jackshit whenever he saw the two of them alone, and Sora completely beaming at Kairi and Kairi passing some shells to Sora for good luck.

He watched it all from behind the wooden tower. Sora took them from her nervously, Kairi only giggled and beamed back at him.

Riku hadn't gotten any from her, but he hadn't expected to.

She liked Sora and Sora liked her back.

What the hell was Riku mad about in the first place that he would even be possessed to get between their happiness like that?

Except, he knew all too well why.

As if the familiar pain in his clenching throat wasn't enough.

Later, he'd catch Sora walking by him in thought.

He threw a Paopu fruit at his head too hard to be considered friendly, but Sora caught it before it actually hit him.

"Better go ahead and try it out before I do."

He winked at Sora smugly, didn't even care to look back at his reaction, then proceeded to go home and stare at the celling for the rest of the night.

He's not sure how it all started, but he's cognizant enough to know now why it happened.

He was bitter, full of apathy and malcontent.

He knew it at the time, but he didn't know that something could feed on it. Latch onto it. Pull out every trace of negative emotion and warp it into something so cruel, and formless and…dark.

This is how he'll discover the darkness.

He's not sure why it waited so late to take a hold of him.

God knows Riku had been walking around for years and years feeling increasingly more volatile, but when it took hold and engulfed him…

he'd never known such a feeling before.

He was standing on the balcony, watching the night storm roll out across the islands. The usual sentimentality over better days washed over him—

except there was no tightening in the throat or the stomach, or words choked back down and tears held back as he told himself 'you're better than this', 'you shouldn't be acting like this' 'that's the past', 'let it go'—

There was just rage.

Coursing throughout his veins. He could feel it heavier than blood.

As if someone had pumped him full of adrenaline—taken his pain and turned it into something…strong. Something that made him feel less weak for being so vulnerable even after all of these year of trying to shut it out—something that made him feel like he could crush the world beneath his feet, as if that what it deserved for being so mind-bogglingly dumb and unsympathetic—

As if he himself could open the door to a new start.

No more subtlety.

There was no need for something so stupid that only ever killed him from the inside out.

Either way, Sora didn't respond to subtlety.

He never did.

If Riku wanted any resemblance of what used to be, he'd have to break Sora down and take away everything that he cared about until he had no choice to rely on Riku again like he used to.

He would break him painfully and slowly for betraying him.

So he would know what every moment felt like when Riku watched him drift away, and get closer to Kairi, and forget about the Paopu fruit and forget about him—

And something had to be done about Kairi. He wasn't sure what, or how—but he had power now, and maybe it was still childish, but he could do more than throw a tantrum. He could make change that he hadn't been able to make before.

It was as pleasant as a high, heightened by all the dull and dangerous emotions he'd tried to always keep hidden beneath the surface.

Before he knew what was going on, he was back on the island.

He can't even remember now how he got there, but he was standing in the spot where he usually was, on the small raised island linked together by a wooden bridge to the shack.

The sky looked endless.

It looked pitch black.

The rain poured and there were no stars in sight, but he couldn't care less.

He heard footsteps growing louder behind him, but in his trancelike state, Riku only remembers grinning. And a voice like his, but not like his, opening his mouth, forming words.

"The door is opened, Sora. Now we can go to the outside world!"

"Riku?"

Sora's voice was as small and high-pitched as it used to be, years ago.

The thought humored Riku, and suddenly it seemed like the sky was wrapping itself around his feet and hands. It felt like a hug. The only one he'd gotten was from Kairi, and this, in comparison felt like security. Felt like friend, like family, like warmth and promises that didn't break at the slightest pressure.

"Where's Kairi? I thought she was with you!"

Like warmth that didn't betray you.

It didn't even sting.

The cloak around him was armor and blanket, shielding from any pain that may have come from Sora, warming him with its own affection.

"Always Kairi, Kairi. Don't worry. She's coming too."

He heard Sora step closer.

"R-Riku, what are you talking about, we have to find Kairi!"

Riku turned around to get a full look at Sora.

"I just said Kairi's coming with us." He smiled and cocked his head. "You never learn to listen, do you?"

Sora looked down at the shadows coating Riku. Riku's smile widened.

"If we step through, we might not be able to come back. But isn't that the whole point?"

"Riku, what are you saying? You're freaking me out!"

Riku observed Sora coolly, gauging the fear in his deep blue eyes as Sora looked between the shadows, the sky, and Riku. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, there was the dull pain of Sora being more focused on Kairi rather than the darkness wrapped around him, but it was replaced and placated by the velvety feel of the shadows.

This was the spot they'd come to on their first night running away from home all those years ago.

Sora was melodramatic and Riku played along, but Sora. Sora had probably forgotten about all that anyway.

Wasn't it funny?

He was the one scared that Riku would forget.

He'd have to make him understand.

"Don't be afraid, Sora."

Sora's eyes widened as Riku found his voice taking on its old, comforting tone, not completely of his own volition, but doing wonders to Sora's expression.

"I'm not afraid of the darkness."

Riku reached out his hand to Sora.

The ground opened up with a violet shake and Riku felt the darkness wrapping around his legs.

Not that he cared.

This was the most alive he'd felt in such a long time.

Sora started towards him and stopped when the darkness wrapped around his legs as well.

"Riku!"

It was a bit touching to see Sora actually trying to flail forward and grab his hand, but _trying_ was never good enough. Sora didn't care enough to reach him, and Riku knew that.

He was going through the motions, but he couldn't and wouldn't pull him out or sink with him.

This is what Sora had been doing instead for all these years: flailing somewhere in between and pretending to care, energy really focused on Kairi.

Later, then.

He'd make him hurt for that.

But for now, he'd give him his reunion.

He let Sora fall through the darkness to Kairi.

He faded with the shadows that already swallowed him in their embrace.


End file.
